‘Why Are The Lights Flashing?’: Student On X & Cocaine Joyrides Ambulance, Wanks In Police Dept.

What do you get when you cross Halloween, ecstasy and a few lines of cocaine? A box of Wheat Thins, a blanket, and a whole mess of criminal charges, apparently. That’s what happened to 18-year-old Colorado State student Stefan Sortland last Sunday, anyway, following what must have been one hell of a Halloween party.

Late into All Hallows’ Eve, Sortland ingested MDMA, commonly referred to as ecstasy, or affectionately as Molly on the street. He then chased it down with cocaine, according to reports. And let’s face it, if you’re young and partying that hard, most likely you’re drinking and smoking a bit of weed, too, especially when you consider this hilarious crime spree took place in Fort Collins, Colorado. Colorado, as the rest of the nation surely knows, is one of the first states in the nation to legalize recreational marijuana.

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Witnesses say the combination of the drug cocktails Sortland was mixing up that night eventually gave him seizures, but soon he recovered, and that’s when things started to get really interesting.

Upon regaining his composure, relatively speaking (of course) Sortland then began smashing the windows out of several cars in an attempt to steal them. In that process, he stumbled onto an empty ambulance, and you guessed it, he stole it! What a ride!

When paramedics came back out of wherever they’d been, patient in hand, ready to head off to the local hospital, they stood scratching their heads in disbelief, staring at the spot they’d parked the rescue vehicle.


Stefan Sortland mugshot (Courtesy of scallywagandvagabond.com)

Sortland’s joy ride in the ambulance didn’t last long, however, before local authorities tracked it down using a GPS tracking system installed in the vehicle. He was only a few miles away, and had already exited the vehicle when they came upon him. As they pulled up, Sortland was standing next to the ambulance with a hospital blanket around his shoulders, snacking on a box of Wheat Thins. (Note the munchies as another telltale sign that Sortland was most likely also smoking marijuana that night.)

When police approached him, Sortland refused to give up both the blanket and the crackers.

It seems authorities would have had to pull the Wheat Thins from his cold, dead hands. Instead, they used a stun gun on him and slapped him in cuffs while they inspected the ambulance for damages.

Unfortunately, the ambulance was found to be in less than pristine condition, evidencing signs of numerous fender benders from Sortland’s joyride. Turning back toward searching the suspect after inspecting the rescue response vehicle, police also found Adderall for which Sortland did not have a prescription.

Before being taken away to the Loveland Police Department, Sortland exclaimed:

Why are the lights flashing on the cars?


Hey, the night doesn’t stop there, though, surprisingly. Not by a long shot.

Once booked into custody, it seems Molly got the best of him. Sortland evidently couldn’t help himself. According to police, Sortland “stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated.”

Authorities claim they’d never quite seen such a tantrum as Sortland gave them.

Sortland later apologized for tugging one off in the department, but not before violently attacking two different officers hours later as they attempted to bring him some food. Officers state Sortland “allegedly” punched one cop in the face, resulting in a concussion for the officer. Another officer, angry that a fellow officer had been attacked, stepped in and wound up with a sprained finger.

Now, as you might expect, Sortland is facing charges of anything from aggravated vehicle theft, to assault, attempted motor vehicle theft, hit and run, criminal mischief, reckless driving, obstructing EMS personnel, as well as unlawful possession of a controlled substance for the Adderall.

But hey, that’s college, right? You have to sow your Wheat Thins sometime.

H/T: mtv.com / (Featured image courtesy of Facebook)

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