A school in the UK found itself under attack by a rampaging, blood thirsty squirrel that was possibly looking to eat a young child…or something.
According to the Watford Observer,
“A teacher had to herd the children at Chater Infants School back into the safety of the building after an “unusually aggressive” grey squirrel disrupted their afternoon playtime earlier this month.”
The school, however, attempted to downplay the seriousness of the animal attack.
We did have a curious and bold squirrel in the playground during Golden Time a few weeks ago; I would like to assure you that the children were not at risk. If there had been a serious concern I would have written to you immediately. The teachers and I spoke to the children in assembly about how to behave around pets and other animals.
There is no substance to this article, it is poorly written and greatly exaggerates an occurrence in the playground . I am sorry if this has caused you any concern.
It seems the school’s downplaying is not working. There were early reports that several children had to have limbs amputated. As the days went on, it seems those claims may have been exaggerated, though some were still at risk of having a nasty infection.
Through some top-notch investigating from my computer, I was able to track down the squirrel, who prefers to be called Skippy.
When asked why he did it, Skippy claimed, “Those children had delicious snacks, and I wanted them!”
I asked him if he feared retribution from the top squirrel hunter in the world, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, who has a fondness for fried squirrel.
“Bring it on,” Skippy said.
I informed Skippy that Governor Huckabee enjoys frying squirrels in a popcorn popper.
“That’s pretty messed up,” he replied.
After hacking into UK’s CCTV system, I was able to get exclusive footage of the planning and implementation of the attack. Though grainy, it is clear Skippy had help—namely from Interpol’s most wanted, Rocky Raccoon.
One thing, however, is clear. Skippy needs serious help.
Watch the video here