For the story of Donald Trump paying a couple Russian hookers to pee for him being fake news, Donald Trump sure is worried about whether or not there is video of the incident.
James Comey’s new book reveals a lot — but one particularly hilarious tidbit is Trump’s obsession with ensuring that Russian prostitutes weren’t videotaped tinkling for him. The rumored “pee pee tapes,” which spawned when Christopher Steele’s partially uncorroborated but largely verified dossier, have been a subject of internet humor ever since we were first forced to picture a scene involving Trump and urine — and they become an even funnier subject when one considers the hold they have on the “mind” of our President*.
“He brought up what he called the ‘golden showers thing’ … adding that it bothered him if there was ‘even a one percent chance’ his wife, Melania, thought it was true,” Comey writes in“A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership.”
“He just rolled on, unprompted, explaining why it couldn’t possibly be true, ending by saying he was thinking of asking me to investigate the allegation to prove it was a lie. I said it was up to him,” he continued. “In what kind of marriage, to what kind of man, does a spouse conclude there is only a 99 percent chance her husband didn’t do that?”
Trump, who has never once thought about Melania’s feelings (including when he was cheating on her with a porn star), accidentally revealed to the world through these desperate conversations with James Comey) that 1.) there are probably pee pee tapes and 2.) he’s very worried that they exist, even if they don’t. In other words we can draw the reasonable conclusion that at some point, President Stable Genius paid some nice young ladies to go pee pee for him.
Naturally, the internet is ecstatic about all of this:
— Hilary Sontag (@hilarysontag) April 13, 2018
Comey is peeing all over Trump right now in his book. 😂😂😂!!!!#PeePeeTapes
— Science Kingpin (@geminigod) April 13, 2018
Russian Mom to Her Daughter: “If you work hard and drink a lot of water, someday you’ll be able to relieve yourself on the President of the United States, while our great Putin films you”.
— Horn Sannity (@Horn_Sannity) April 13, 2018
— harleyb (@harleyb11) April 13, 2018
— Trump Trivia (@trumptriviaday) April 13, 2018
— Lucifina🔮Good Witch Hunting✨ (@LoolooMagdalena) April 13, 2018
— Fire45NJ (@ACIM_Student) April 13, 2018