Three Of The GOP’s Biggest and Most Ridiculous Myths About Planned Parenthood

Facing doctored videos and a barrage of attacks by the di*kless Republicans in Congress, Planned Parenthood once again finds itself having to defend its totally benign services to a gaggle of lunatics. These are a group of men so extreme that they believe life begins at erection, and who would sooner fund basic health services if you wore a sign that said “former fetus.”

But while these moronic man children all fall over themselves in their Christian Taliban ways, millions of women are at risk of losing safe access to affordable health services. Amid this rancorous and totally unnecessary debate, it’s vital to address some of the more glaring misperceptions about Planned Parenthood. Hell, like did you know that Jeb Bush’s grand daddy helped create Planned Parenthood?

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1. Ninety percent of what Planned Parenthood does is provide abortions

Ugh, here we go. As much as these sanctimonious pant loads would like to think that planned parenthood is a place where satan-worshiping feminists kidnap confused women, emitting evil laughs as they murder babies with goth music blasting in the background,  that’s simply not what happens. It’s actually quite bland and straightforward. The fact of the matter is that Planned Parenthood’s abortion care represents an infinitesimal 3 percent of its medical services  The majority of care offered at Planned Parenthood health centers is preventive services and screenings, including contraception, testing for sexually transmitted infections, pap smears and breast exams. Again, no murdering babies and cackling like Richard Price.

2.  Planned Parenthood’s federal funding frees up other money to pay for abortions

The loudest Republican opponents of Planned Parenthood claim that giving the organization federal dollars permits it to spend other money in its budget to provide abortions. Much like everything these guys say, they find their facts where the sun doesn’t shine as there’s simply no money for that.

For example, Title X is a federal grant program whose sole purpose is to help low-income and uninsured people access contraceptives and sexual health care. In fact, 5.2 million people use the program annually. However, Congress has actually never appropriated sufficient funds to care for  the estimated 17 million Americans who need publicly funded family planning care.

3. People don’t really need Planned Parenthood so let’s drown it.

For Republicans, this burn-the-country-to-the-ground and nihilistic philosophy pretty much applies to all aspects of governance. Even though millions use Amtrak, they don’t think it needs to be properly funded. Similarly, they seem to think that only sinners go to Planned Parenthood in order to get an abortion through one of their many drive-through windows. But seriously, roughly three million patients each year visit Planned Parenthood’s more than 800 health centers in every state. In some areas, Planned Parenthood and the Title X-funded system are the only sexual health providers for hundreds of miles due to Christian Taliban governors banning them in most red states. Some of the centers screen people for high blood pressure, anemia and diabetes. Better yet, they connect them to other primary-care providers and social services. Again, pretty bland and straightforward.

In short, the GOP’s most recent assault on Planned Parenthood proves once again that they’re pro-fetus and anti-woman.

Featured image modified by Michael Hayne

michael hayne headshotedited111 Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire. Follow him on TwitterFacebook,   and

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