It now seems like there are more Republican candidates for President than there have been actual presidents in US History. In fact, I think at this point we should just keep a list of people who aren’t running for the GOP candidacy, or just wait for zombie Ronald Reagan to announce and call it a day. Well, the clown car just became a clown bus now that occasional New Jersey Governor and Professional Youtube Screamer Chris Christie plans on entering the race this Tuesday. And I thought I hit the comedy jackpot with Donald Trump?
Let’s face it, folks–Christie has been running for president ever since he donned that hideous fleece during Superstorm Sandy and performed like Mayor Giuliani in the wake of 9/11. Of course once the storm lifted and the cameras left, it was back to his presidential power lust, much like the former NYC mayor.
But unlike Giuliani, Christie has spent one third of his term out of the state. After all, it’s not high rates of poverty, soaring property taxes, and the terrible environment for business; it’s backroom deals for Iowa pig farms that New Jersey voters are screaming about. In fact, Christie is so hated in New Jersey that a new poll found that he has a lower rating than his Democratic predecessor, Gov. Jon Corzine, had when Christie defeated him in 2009. He’s also been downgraded to second-teir candidate and has very little financial backing from GOP donors. But reason and facts have never stopped this very deluded and arrogant a-hole, so he’s got to compete with Donald Trump in that category.
All of those realities notwithstanding, here are he real reasons Christie will NEVER be president:
1. Second Worst Job Growth In Nation. The Asbury Park Press reported that New Jersey’s job growth in 2014 was the second worst in the nation. Even as the nation saw its first-time jobless claims fall to levels it hasn’t seen in years, New Jersey saw first-time jobless claims jump by roughly three-quarters in early July of 2014. The Star Ledger reported that the 20,624 first-time unemployment claims filed in New Jersey was a 70-percent increase over the previous week’s 12,045, the largest increase in the nation. And while we’re discussing jobs, Christie, has the distinction of also being responsible for killing 6,000 construction jobs in 2010 when he decided to gut the ARC tunnel project, according to One New Jersey.
2. New Jersey’s Bond Rating Repeatedly Downgraded. One major indicator of New Jersey’s descent into fiscal hell and Christie’s inability to stop it has been with its degraded bond rating. On six separate occasions – twice by each of the three major credit rating agencies – New Jersey’s debt has been downgraded under Christie’s watch. The only other governor to hold such a dubious distinction is former Democratic Governor Jim McGreevey, who saw New Jersey’s debt rating slip six times from 2001-2004. But Governor Christie found no problem lying about being “Mr. Comeback.”
3. Pissing Away Millions on Special Elections and Petty Investigations. A signature hallmark of Chris Christie is his ability to squander tax payer money to serve his own political ambitions. For example, Christie’s decision to hold a special election in October to fill the vacated seat of the late Senator Frank Lautenberg came with a price tag of $25 million. The decision was obviously one of political expediency, as the garrulous governor of the Garden State made sure to keep the popular Cory Booker off the ballot in November. Clearly knowing he could suppress the vote and force ardent supporters of Booker to stay home on Election Day in November, Christie ingenuously created this costly Special Election separate from his own. Then, of course, is the $1 million dollar bridge-gate report, brought to you by Christie’s hand-picked team of loyalist lawyers, the million dollar report had a bias that only Fox News could dream of. Naturally it absolved the governor of any wrongdoing, and we still don’t know what role Christie played in the GWB closure.
4. Bridge-Gate. Yes, this is a real gem. Despite running against a lowly state Senator in 2013 in an ensured victory, Christie decided to shut down the most heavily trafficked bridge on the busiest day of the year to settle a political score. Exactly the type of man you want holding nuclear launch codes and handling delicate international issues.
5. Political Quid Pro Quo with Exxon. Since his 2016 power lust is way more important than the people of New Jersey, Christie blatantly interfered with his state’s $9 billion lawsuit against oil giant Exxon Mobil when he let them off the hook for billions. Luckily, Jon Stewart blasted him for this.
6. Screaming at anyone and everyone who disagrees with him. Chris Christie’s entire national profile is based solely on him screaming at teachers and public employees, even a former Navy SEAL for f*ck’s sake! In a tonally prepared shtick to increase YouTube hits, the governor uses “town halls” for purely propaganda purposes. He rose to national prominence after famously shouting down a public school teacher. Most recently, Gov. Christie told Jim Keady, a resident of the jersey shore, to “sit down and shut up” when Keady and others protested the governor’s failed Hurricane Sandy recovery efforts. Keady is not just refusing to sit down and shut up, he’s running for office. Again, exactly the type of man you want holding nuclear launch codes and handling delicate international issues.
Featured image via Philly.com