Missing: Ebola — If Found, Please Return To Republicans Who Campaigned On It

People who didn’t fall for the hype and rush out to vote for a Republican to save the country from the disease Obama was most certainly bringing across the southern border on the backpacks of Mexican Muslim ISIS terrorists from Kenya are asking for your help in finding it.

It’s name is Ebola; it was last seen wearing a blue-shirted nurse from Texas and a New York doctor’s infected bowling ball. It responds to “EBOLA!!!!!!!” and may also recognize “terrorist,” “ISIS,” and of course, “Benghazi.”

Authorities are asking that anyone with information about the dreaded “outbreak” of Ebola in America please contact local police before the number of infected officially reaches the requirement to be considered a dinner party.

It took less than a news cycle for Ebola to disappear from the headlines.

There could be two reasons for the disease disappearing. The most likely reason is that after the initial four people were diagnosed and mistakes were made in Texas, the American healthcare system figured out how to properly contain any further outbreaks.

Another theory is that after the Republicans took control of the senate, the disease was so afraid of the repercussions it would have to face at the hands of those brave GOPers that it simply shriveled up and died.

In the weeks leading up to the mid-terms, those defenders of your good health put out hours and hours of Ebola-laced campaign ads to let you know that if you vote Democrat, you’re voting to spread the disease that almost got Dustin Hoffman and that pretty red-head.


Democrats countered by pointing out that it was funding cuts by the GOP that would ultimately hurt the cause.

They must have known that it wouldn’t matter. After all, we’re about to see our ninth Benghazi investigation, after the first eight came up empty, and even though Republican-insisted embassy budgets were most likely a huge factor, the President said “acts of terror” and not “terrorist attacks,” thereby covering the whole thing up.

Who can forget the government shutdown they forced so they could send Michelle Bachmann to the WWII memorial to show her outrage for the government being shut down? Those poor veterans traveled all that way, and even though they were let in, she demanded they be let in. Such a hero.

Ebola is just another chapter of Republican idiocy in a book nobody will be buying two years from now. The Democrats own 253 electoral votes before the campaigning even begins, and 17 Senate seats are up for grabs in blue and purple states, so the American regressive Kool-Aid drinker will have to look elsewhere for someone to save them from the threat of things that are happening 8,000 miles away.

Hopefully, for Republicans, Ebola can be found so they can continue their awesome streak of saving our lives from things that aren’t an immediate threat. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather fight Ebola over there than here at home.

Thanks, regressives, for caring about our health and well-being by doing things like vowing to return us to the health-care system of 2009 and allowing big oil and fracking companies to destroy the air we breathe and the water we drink.


Featured Graphic: Charles Topher

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