5 More Things We Can Send To Help Ya’ll Qaeda

It’s been a couple of weeks since Ammon Bundy and his bunch of wacky seditionists took over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Harney County, Oregon. Early on, the group apparently miscalculated how much food and supplies a bunch of guys hanging out in the scrublands of Oregon would need. In fact, it was only a couple of days before the group started asking for people to send them more supplies. Their call was heard and boxes of… well, “toys” and other paraphernalia came in. The Bundy Bunch were not pleased. Maybe we can brighten their days with some of the following items:

1. Dolls. Not Barbie or Cabbage Patch; you know the kind I’m talking about. White ISIS have been out in eastern Oregon for a couple of weeks, now. Some of those guys are there without their women. It has to be getting pretty lonely out there. Either those “toys” they already received are tempting or the cows are starting to look good. Either way, dolls would definitely be appreciated.

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2. Prunes. With the snack food diet Vanilla ISIS has been on, they are probably starting to get a little plugged up. Prunes are natural, gentle and tasty. Plus, you can buy them in bulk at some grocery stores so you can send enough for everyone to keep those pipes clean. Maybe send along some toilet paper, too. The cheap kind.

3. Books. Yokel Haram has probably read the bird guides and pamphlets already so why not send them some new reading material. For those who can read. Send informative literature like Howard Zinn’s People’s History of the United States, Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee or The Social Contract by John Locke. Perhaps some Paul Krugman or Naomi Klein. Toss in some Al Franken for humor. As for fiction, how about Fahrenheit 451, To Kill A Mockingbird, The Jungle or The Grapes of Wrath?. Here’s a handy list.

4. Music. The batteries in Y’all Qaeda’s iPods must be lagging by now. Perhaps they would like some new tunes. Send a Walkman CD or even an old cassette player; things that can be plugged in. Be sure to include CDs and tapes of music they are sure to appreciate. May I suggest Celine Dion, Stravinsky, Frank Zappa or Yes? Maybe some death metal? Or keep their spirits up with some good old Frankie Yankovic (no relation, Google him). Be creative.

5. Movies. The wildlife sanctuary’s building must have a DVD and TV (how else could they watch news reports about themselves?) and I bet the Yee Hawdists are getting tired of DVDs about birds. We should refresh their entertainment library. Here are some modest suggestions: The Notebook or Thelma and Louise and other “chick flicks,” historical drama like 12 Years A Slave or Amistad, British comedy such as Monty Python and Red Dwarf. How about documentaries? I bet Michael Moore’s oeuvre would be a big hit. Use your imagination.

And if they are running out of bottled water and don’t realize that they can melt the snow, here’s a suggestion from the Twitterverse:

We can help the Sagebrush Brigade get through this ridiculous patriotic occupation standoff. Look into your heart and see if you can send something. Do it for selfishness liberty and America!


Featured Image via Pixabay 

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