The 10 Dumbest Conservative ‘Issues’ Of 2014

The mind of a conservative is a dark and dangerous place. Imagine, if you will, a consciousness that will believe anything that comes across social media in a meme or poorly written story so long as they fit into the framework of intolerance and paranoia.

2014 saw a plethora of those things, and conservatives ate it all up. It doesn’t seem to matter how insignificant, preposterous or blatantly fabricated a story was, the mind of the modern regressive poured what little activity it allows into spreading it.

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This list serves to remind us that the liberal battle for equality, corporate accountability, sensible gun legislation and basic human rights can be easily circumvented by the power hungry 1% and the lawmakers on their payroll by deflecting the attention of the uninformed to issues that can’t really be called issues at all.

Conservatives, Tea Party zealots and the Republican Party use a wealth of propaganda to energize the most idiotic base our country has ever seen.

Ordering this list from least preposterous to the utmost of stupid was no easy task, so I opted for a bullet list instead. All 10 “issues” trumped-up to garner support for Republicans in the mid-terms, promote hatred for the President and keep the idiotic enraged about nothing, can be considered the most troubling, considering they were taken by millions of minions. Hook… line… and sinker…

10. The Bundy Ranch

Oh Cliven, how they love thee. Cliven Bundy broke the law, grazed his cattle without paying his fair share, and started a movement of extremists that included assault rifles being aimed at federal agents. This from the same people who are now in complete support of a police state, advocating for the killing of citizens who don’t do as they’re told, children playing with toy guns, and any black man they can call a “thug.” No, you idiots, the government didn’t seize his land, nobody slaughtered any cattle, but because he is a racist white conservative moron he became your poster child of hate for a good portion of the year.

courtesy of the Daily Kos

9. Bo Bergdahl

After calling for the President to take action and have Bergdahl freed from captivity, conservatives then vilified the President for having him freed from captivity. We don’t leave Americans behind, but because some reported that Bergdahl, who may have cracked under the pressure of war, might not have been an exemplary soldier, we should have left him to rot in a cave in Afghanistan.

 8. Syria Finds Saddam’s WMDs

Well isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do. President Obama gets tough on Syria, plays a masterful game of chess with Assad and manages to stall a crisis without putting boots on the ground, none of which matters because Syria used chemical weapons. “George Bush was right all along! Saddam moved his sarin gas weapons to Syria, that’s why we couldn’t find them!” It made no difference how many times you told your “Fox News”-loving uncle that sarin gas has a shelf life of no more than a year and that the weapons Assad used couldn’t possibly have come from Iraq; you’re just a brainwashed liberal who will say anything to blame Bush.

courtesy of

7. UN “Weapons Enforcement” truck spotted in Georgia

Ruh roh.  The UN, having been given sweeping powers by the ITT treaty, takes to the streets of Georgia to start the process of confiscating yer gunz. This photo was shared hundreds of thousands of times on Facebook and had ammosexuals stocking their bunkers with as many rounds as they could buy.  They then blamed the ammo shortage on Obama, claiming he was buying up all the rounds he could to keep law-abiding citizens from their 2nd amendment right to be imbeciles. The picture is an obvious photoshop, with “police” and “weapons enforcement” added to stir up controversy.

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6. ISIS at the southern border

A photo of a man at Jason’s Deli in Houston sparked conservative paranoia that ISIS had in fact invaded the U.S., making it even more glaringly apparent that we need to build a 400 foot concrete barrier with machine gun turrets across our southern border. The photo, shared way too many times, shows a man wearing a robe with the emblem ISIS has adopted as its flag. One conservative nut-job even sent out the man’s location and demanded his followers go after him, because there’s no chance he purchased the robe bearing a popular Muslim symbol a few years ago, before there was an ISIS.

News, Shelby, Isis in Jason's Deli, Sept. 2014
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5. The Tan Suit

Had this been a numbered list this would have been in the running for number one for sure. It is a fact that President Obama wore a tan suit. He did. He certainly did. He most definitely without a doubt wore a suit that was tan. No reasonable person can figure out why there was outrage over it, but there was. The Koch Brothers are trying to make sure you don’t ever retire, work for peanuts, destroy the environment and purchase every seat in congress, but Obama wore a tan suit, so there’s that. The blowback from people who know how to use the Google was hilarious.

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4. Muslim Prayer Curtains in the White House

The East Room of the White House has sported the same gold curtains for decades. Somebody decided they were “Muslim prayer curtains” installed by Obama to subliminally turn America into a Sharia-Law-loving Muslim nation of Kenyans (see 2009’s list of stupid). It doesn’t matter that there is no such thing as a “Muslim prayer curtain.” Once again the Google came in handy for memeists across the internet.

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3. Golf

Of all the dumb issues that appear year after year, this one is quite possibly the dumbest. President Obama enjoys golf. There’s an old adage that most deals are made on the golf course, not in the board room, meaning that the three to four hours it can take to play a round is a great time to get some work done while enjoying your hobby. Conservatives have taken this “issue” so far that they now have a golf-o-meter, keeping track of the number of rounds the President has played. They seem to forget how often Dubyah took Air Force One to Texas to go fishing and how many naps Saint Ronnie took because… golf. The counter says the President has played golf slightly more than 200 times, or once every ten days or so.  The once every ten days isn’t a statistic conservatives feel the need to share.

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2. The Latte Salute

The President, moving quickly past a Marine, saluted the soldier while holding a cup of coffee.  The President isn’t required to salute anyone, there isn’t any rule or law on the books making it so; he does it, when he remembers, out of respect for the uniform. Saint Ronnie was the first President to make saluting service men and women popular among Presidents. The latte salute got tons of play in conservative circles, with comments like, “He hates America,” left on hundreds of memes in its wake. Is it disrespectful to salute someone serving their country while holding an object in their hand? Maybe someone should ask George Bush, demand a little outrage, and show just how petty they can be.

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1. Ebola

When the number of infected in America reached enough people for a two-on-two basketball game, the Republican Party went haywire, used it as a fear-mongering campaign and rode it to a senate seat or two in the mid-term elections. With the exception of the incident in Houston, ebola in the US was handled quickly and strategically, and we are now among the most prepared in the world to deal with the crisis should it ever become one. Oddly enough, the day after the mid-terms ebola went missing and is still at large. It should re-surface sometime about March or April of 2016 when it will be blamed on Hilary Clinton who contracted it shortly after she personally gunned down four innocent Americans in Benghazi.

graphic by Charles Topher

Who knows what “issues” the wrong-wing will come up with in 2015. If it’s anything like this past year, there will be plenty of laughs to have. Until you realize that these people vote.

Featured image courtesy of

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