Read A White Person’s Guide To Rioting and Looting (HUMOR)

Like with Ferguson, Missouri following the grand jury decision not to indict Darren Wilson for killing Michael Brown, the city of Baltimore, Maryland became engulfed in flames and chaos after days of unnerving tensions over Freddie Gray, who mysteriously died on April 19, a week after Baltimore Police arrested him. Frustrations over his death, combined with a fusillade of African-American deaths at the hands of police, is thought to have instigated Monday’s violence. In fact, Baltimore City Council Member Brandon Scott said it was also fueled by, “a long, long, longstanding issue with young African-Americans.”

But for your average Fox News viewer, either tucked away in their lily-white and lavish suburban life or a hayseed sh*tkicker tucked away in a trailer park that only gets Fox News and Nascar, then all you see are spoiled brown people with no personal responsibility.

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So since Fox News (excepting Shepard Smith) insists on “analyzing” the dire situation in Baltimore with privileged and blindingly white glasses, I figured it might be appropriate to offer a white people’s guide to rioting and looting. After all, the last time white people cared this much about ‪#‎Baltimore‬ is when HBO’s The Wire was on. For the record, I am in no way endorsing violence or shamelessly exploiting a serious tragedy in order to get those shoes you couldn’t afford.


White People’s Guide To Rioting and Looting

Image modified by Michael Hayne of

Image modified by Michael Hayne of

1. Only loot from a Gluten-free store and make sure to use a eco-friendly tote bag

Since Gwyneth Paltrow is essentially the lifelong queen of out-of-touch white privilege, especially following her sickeningly pathetic and obnoxious little food stamp challenge (she lasted a week), she seems like the perfect guide to looting for white people.



Image via Chris Kluwe On Twitter


2. Only loot items following a surf competition to fulfill Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of a $1,000 dollar Cruiser Bicycle. 

Following the tumultuous rioting (primarily from non-Ferguson residents) in Ferguson, we were bombarded with people calling protesters savages, animals, hoodlums and thugs. I’m pretty sure washed-up musician but relevant a-hole Ted Nugent posted a diatribe. But they all seemed to forget how bike shops were looted by white kids in Huntington Beach following a surf contest Allow me to reiterate that, violence and looting broke out after a contest that features a sport in which one has to be Buddhist and stoned to enjoy.

Image via @Red3blog on Twitter

Image via @Red3blog on Twitter

3. Always riot and burn down public and private property when it comes to Hockey. After all, MLK always had grisly looking Canadians in padding in mind when he delivered his famous I Have A Dream speech. 

In 2011, rioting broke out on the streets of Vancouver, Canada following a crushing loss by the Vancouver Canucks hockey team in the Stanley Cup. Yep, that’s what caused a freaking four-hour rage of smashing windows and setting cars ablaze in the city of Vancouver. Go Canucks!

Image via @Red3blog on Twitter

Image via @Red3blog on Twitter

4. It’s a widely known fact and often taught in civic courses that pumpkins are grounds for fighting for your rights. I believe it was the landmark case of Pumpkin Vs. Alabama that furthered pumpkin rights.

Last fall, tear gas and pepper spray had to be deployed by police in riot gear in Keene, New Hampshire, trying to contain a violent riot by predominantly white kids following the city’s 24th pumpkin festival. Maybe the riots were caused after a pumpkin had its seeds violated. But when white people do this kind of crap, you must remember that it’s just “kids being kids” and ask no further questions.

H/T:|Featured image modified by Michael Hayne of

unnamed Michael is a comedian/VO artist/Columnist extraordinaire. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook




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