Hey guys, it’s me, Jesus.
It’s almost my birthday again and I thought since everyone makes such a huge deal over it, I’d stop in and say “hi.” You’ll forgive me if I don’t write more often, but I’m over two thousand years old and I have this really bad nagging pain in my hands. Dad keeps getting on me to go to the doctor, but I’m still not too certain about this whole “Obamacare” thing.
Not that I have much to worry about with the death panels– I could just rise from the grave again, but all the paperwork and bureaucracy just seem like a major hassle. Besides, it’s almost time for the NFL playoffs and I’m currently swamped with some very important football prayers.
But I digress…
There’s always so much talk this time of the year about “keeping Christ in Christmas” and scores of people taking it upon themselves to speak for me. From what I’m told, there’s even this silly, little television network who likes to celebrate my birthday each year by fomenting paranoid anger over some kind of “War on Christmas.” A war on Christmas? Seriously? I don’t even know where to begin with that.
People are stoking outrage and anger over a holiday that’s supposed to be about peace on earth and goodwill towards man, and yet they have the AUDACITY to accuse others of attacking Christmas? Get that beam out of your own eye first, O’Reilly! Anyways, I’d like to officially go on record as saying that if there’s anyone waging a war on Christmas– it’s the people who use the holiday as an excuse to act like an a**hole. That’s always been a pet peeve of mine: people acting like a**holes in my name. And acting like an a**hole on behalf of my birthday is no exception.
So, without further ado, here is Jesus Christ’s Top Five Christmas A**holes For 2014:
5. Retail stores that keep opening earlier and earlier each year for Black Friday shopping.
Enough with this already. I get that my birthday entices people to go out and spend a lot of money shopping for gifts. And I’m OK with that, but for f*ck’s sake let your employees spend Thanksgiving with their families. The tryptophan hasn’t even kicked in and Uncle Jim hasn’t gotten drunk yet and lectured the entire family about how Obama is destroying America. There will be plenty of time for cashing in on the commercialization of my b-day come Friday, so all you retailers can stop trying to out-a**hole one another by opening earlier and earlier every year.
4. People trampling each other and engaging in physical violence while Christmas shopping.
Do I even have to explain what in the name of Judas is wrong with this picture? Did I stutter when I said love your neighbor? Did you think I was kidding when I told you to turn the other cheek?
Newsflash: you don’t get a free pass on this just because Walmart has a really good deal on HDTVs or because Target slashed prices on that waffle maker your Aunt Brenda really, really wants this year.
And for the love of my dad, Christmas shopping is NOT an activity that should require police intervention:
3. Thieves who have been stealing delivery packages off of people’s front steps.
Listen, I like Dr. Seuss too. The Grinch is one of my all-time favorite Christmas stories. But just in case you jackasses never made it to the end of the movie, in the end the Grinch’s heart melts and he gives all of the presents back to the residents of Whoville.
Chances are that you’ve already taken little Timmy’s Christmas gifts to the pawn shop and used whatever money you were able to cobble together to imbibe the controlled substance that possessed you to behave like such a massive douchecanoe in the first place. Whatever your reasons, you seriously need to take a long, hard look at yourselves and rethink your lives. And if drugs or alcohol drove you to behave like this, please get help.
Enough already. Learn from The Grinch.
2. People who use Christmas as an excuse to marginalize others.
Enough with picking on the LGBT community. I never said a single thing about homosexuality so, unless you’re willing to abide by all that other weird stuff in the Old Testament, knock it off with the gay bashing. I know damn well you people aren’t willing to give up bacon, so cut the sh*t. I only gave you two commandments: love my dad and love each other. Simple enough.
This particular a**hole, Pastor Steven Anderson of Tempe, AZ, seems to think that he’s come up with a way to make the world “AIDS-free” just in time for Christmas. His solution? The mass extermination of gay people. Steven, besides being woefully bereft of even the slightest understanding of medical science, you are a giant a**hole and I have it on good authority that my dad is going to punish you with some rather painful anal polyps to usher in the New Year.
And don’t think for a second that he won’t — just ask Limbaugh.
1. Fox News
Yeah, I’ve come full circle at this point, but these a**holes don’t get to spend the entire year supporting politicians who want to take food, shelter, and medicine away from the poor and then all of a sudden self-appoint themselves the protectors of Christmas. They don’t get to tell this new Pope who’s been so refreshing what he should and should not speak out against, and they DAMN SURE don’t get to behave as apologists for torture and then claim to represent me in any way.
I guess maybe I should just be thankful that this year they’ve managed to avoid discussing what is and what isn’t an appropriate skin color for Santa Claus, but I’ve just about had it with small-minded bigots like Huckabee, Hannity, and O’Reilly having my name in their mouths. And don’t even get me started on Coulter. That woman is enough to make me reconsider my opposition to burning witches at the stake.
Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: “Damn Jesus, you’ve gotten pretty jaded about this whole Christmas thing.” Not at all. Not in the slightest. You people have no idea how it warms my heart that two thousand years later, folks practice kindness to one another to commemorate my birth. You have no idea how happy it makes me when I read about all the people, spanning the entire globe, who’ve sent Christmas cards to little Addie Fausett—the dying girl whose wish it was to have people from all over the world send her Christmas cards.
You have no idea how brightly I smile when I see people donating gifts to Toys For Tots so that the less fortunate children can also have a Merry Christmas, or how joyful I am when I think about people donating money to charity for the holidays. You have no idea how great it feels when I see people sacrifice their time to serve a warm, holiday meal to the homeless. The smiles on your children’s faces as they open their gifts on Christmas morning, the cherished time spent with your loved ones — all of it makes me a very, very grateful Son Of A Deity.
Truth be told, I don’t really care about you keeping the “me” in Christmas. It’s not all about me; I’m not the egomaniac that some of my followers would have you believe. Christmas is all about YOU. It’s about you practicing kindness to one another and not acting like a bunch of a**holes. It’s about peace on earth and goodwill towards man for both the rich and the poor, for blacks and for whites, for men and for women, for the old and the young, for believers and for the non-believers, for the gays and the straight, for liberals and for conservatives, for the sum total of this giant dysfunctional family that we call humanity. And, yes, even for that giant a**hole, Bill O’Reilly.
Wishing you all a VERY Merry Christmas,