A Condensed Recap Of The Republican Presidential Debate (SATIRE)

The Top 10 Republican candidates for president gathered for their first debate on August 6, and…wow! Adrenaline! Jesus! ISIS and Iran! And for two hours!

But not everyone can sit through that many sound-bites and insults, and certainly not the upset stomach sure to be triggered by such a melee.

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Don’t worry, though. If You Only News sat through the entire slug-fest for you! And here’s a recap of that debate, using actual quotes (but in a condensed and to-the-point format) that highlight the true gist of each of their campaigns and campaign methods.

Ted Cruz

Radical Islamic terrorist Jihad death crusade Muslim. Iran nuclear murder Moscow Iran Russian cyberwarfare Iran. Illegal unconstitutional Obama video Planned Parenthood.

Jeb Bush

Iraq intelligence security lives caring praying dead lesson al Qaeda Isis void Iran. Voucher voucher voucher. School choice. Beat teachers union. Obama Clinton grievance optimistic message economy nation states AAA taxes conservative environment hope better suffering. Not just unborn babies. Clown buffoon Trump not true.

All candidates in unison

Repeal Obamacare

Chris Christie

Hug hug crime hug 9/11. Entitlement debt entitlement. Raise retirement age living longer better lives. Lying stealing trust fund IOUs. Fundamental fundamental broken stolen lied. Strengthen our military.

Scott Walker

Egypt Israel Saudis Arab Emirates Iran Persian Gulf. Tie a yellow ribbon. Terminate Iran ISIS failed. Russia Chinese Hillary Clinton congress national security mush push Ukraine NATO Poland missile Czech. Wife kids Harley-Davidson.

Ben Carson

Waterboarding mindset politically-correct tremendous intellect extremely effectively. Tithe loopholes. Hillary epitome secular progressive uninformed useful idiots stupid. National debt. Military sequester enemies Ukraine nuclear arms Israel Obama.

All candidates in unison

Reagan Reagan

Donald Trump

Obamacare disaster repeal private. I have thousands and thousands of employees. Money bankruptcy Forbes advantage. My company myself my employees my family. Trump Trump Trump $10 billion thousands hundreds and hundreds four times. Lenders killers sweet little people good sense Caesar’s bankrupt. Clowns puppets. Reagan pro-life business hate superstar New York City negative catastrophe Obama. Cutting Christians’ heads off. Violence horror tone.

Mike Huckabee

Shrink political federal bigger mandates. Suck up and pay. Jurisdiction constitution states Fair Tax power. Social security social security social security. Government pocket paycheck congress retirement lying stealing. Fair Tax. Nuclear Soviet Iran Israel blow up gun. Kill people break things. Diverse purpose transgender surgery military protect.

Marco Rubio

Economy economy global small struggling tax. Limit regulations 20th Century Dodd-Frank 40-percent wipeout fair business small business. Entitlement vote speak lawyer birth certificate history barbarians. Chance to live.

All candidates in unison

God Jesus God

Rand Paul

Reagan comply Iran comply compliance. Marriage guns Washington government interfere Houston sermons invade church resist. Pencil paper budget spending meat-axe hating us burning our flag.

John Kasich

Surplus economic growth key shadows fair deal move up miracle lift unite stronger. Old-fashioned traditional marriage court wedding friend gay love strong faith issues. Planted divide chance respect American dream. Love family friends people.

Featured image by DonkeyHotey via Flickr

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