5 Reasons Conservatives Are Outraged Over The Superbowl

The Republican base finds outrage in everything.  Before the ridiculous articles from the right start flying, here are some predictions over what will tick them off the most:

5.) President Obama should have been drinking a wine cooler.

How dare the President make it seem like he was an ordinary person.  All conservatives know that he’s a little girly-man who couldn’t possibly ingest something as masculine as a beer.  As a consolation prize, he did sip a home-brew made with honey from his wife’s garden and not 14 Natty Lights or PBRs that would have rendered him incoherent by halftime.  Had he been a “real man” he would have started yelling at the TV that the Patriots’ shoddy 3rd quarter performance was his fault, kicked the dog and went to the rose garden to fire off a few drunken rounds with his homemade assault rifle.

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4.) Sarah Palin wasn’t the honorary coin-tosser.

Everything is better with Palin.  Imagine how proud they would have been had she made a remark like “good luck with the match, fellas.  The founding fathers created football so your quarterbacks could defend the second amendment with their shotguns.”

3.) They have to sell their Jeeps.

Last year they had to start drinking Pepsi when Coca-Cola had “America The Beautiful” sung in foreign languages.  No big deal, cola is cola.  This year, Jeep’s commercial showed the beloved off-roader driving through foreign lands to the tune “This Land Is Our Land.”  By this afternoon Craigslist will be inundated with “For Sale: Commie Jeep” ads.  There should be some good deals out there if you weed through the “won’t pass inspection,” “salvage title” and “will need to be towed away” fine print.

2.) Not one single gun ad…again.

Daniels’s Defense didn’t bother trying this year after they were nixed for their “everyone needs a gun to be safe” ad in last year’s game.  The outrage will be aimed not at the gun manufacturers who knew better than to try but at mothers who have lost children and lawmakers who want our country to be safer.  It’s OK, conservatives.  We’re all very happy that your Superbowl parties were armed to the teeth.  Nothing says ‘Murica like defending your bean dip with deadly force.

1.) It wasn’t NASCAR.

It’s just not fair.  NASCAR should be on all the time.  Football is cool and all, but there’s all those rules and formations, 50 people on each team to follow, stats up the yin yang.  It’s much easier to get drunk and watch cars drive in circles for four-and-a-half hours.  Somebody should start a movement called “Operation Nascar Spring” where the million people who vow to show up turns into forty-two dudes on Hoverounds holding three fingers up outside the White House. Because…Obama.

Yes, perfectly predictable in every way, but another article showing Richard Sherman’s dismay seemed a bit redundant.

You’re welcome.

Featured Image: Mykisscountry.com

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