Politically incorrect and terminally stupid Steven Crowder decided it would be a good idea to take a photo of Amy Schumer and turn it into several paragraphs of misogyny worthy of the heathens who read his rubbish. An all-out attack on feminism combined with the slimiest fat-shaming in recent history, the article reads more like a teenage boy whose angst is drooling all over his X-Box controller than it does a full-grown man who once contributed to the mighty Fox News.
Crowderp™ posted this picture of Schumer not giving a flying f*ck about what an idiot like him thinks of her:
Crowder not only takes the bait, he draws “BRAVE?” on it and swallows it whole. As you continue, try to remember that this is in fact a real person saying these things; you haven’t been re-routed to National Report. Crowder writes:
Dear Fat Feminists: leave your clothes on, you’re not brave.
Also… leave your clothes on.
Close the Instagram app, put that camera away. You can likely tuck it into the same corner where you’ll find your self-respect. Also, if you don’t like these first couple of paragraphs, it doesn’t get any better. Fair warning.
And there it is. “Fair warning” — I’m going to make a fool of myself and when you blog about it and hundreds of people comment and tell me I’m an imbecile I win, because I’m the dumbest person alive.
Not likely. Crowder goes into full assault mode on Schumer and in one spectacular explosion of pseudo-manhood attacks Schumer, feminism and women in general:
Amy Schumer posed kind of nude for Pirelli calendar in a pose I can only describe as ‘MY EYES, MY EYES!’ Because sorry, men don’t find Amy Schumer sexually attractive. Damn, *RETROACTIVE TRIGGER WARNING*. The rolls, that facial expression, the coffee cup? Seriously, why the coffee cup? Is that supposed to be ironic? I’m sitting on a stool in my undies and I’m jonesing for a coffee? I don’t get it. Send help and biscotti.
He really is too absolutely stupid to understand that the picture of Schumer with the coffee cup has nothing to do with him or how his ever-so-manly wants and desires. Amy Schumer is the honey badger, you f*cking jack*ss. She really doesn’t give a sh*t.
After references to conventional and fashion world ideals and honorable mentions for Heidi Klum and Cindy Crawford, Crowder drops what’s left of his dignity, along with this:
But when it comes to Amy Schumer or Lena Dunham or any other feminist who is anything but sexy, they’re labeled “brave.” Brace yourselves for some Crowder-like truth: only ugly, unattractive naked women are called “brave.” Why is it brave for Schumer to be naked? Because she’s unattractive. The conflict is only created because you thrust your naked, gelatinous, amoeba-like body in my face, which conflicts with my desire to not see you naked. Allow me to present some visual aids.
Isn’t he precious? So shallow. So out of touch. So sad. Sorry, Steven, we call all kinds of women brave, but your perverted perception of the value of a human being won’t allow you to see it:
I could go on with that for miles. We celebrate strong women because equals are much more fun than people you think are beneath you. A**holes who think like that are never any fun at parties. If you need to turn that picture into an assault on you sexually — for some reason — you’re just wasting oxygen a good man could be breathing.
Crowder goes on to explain to Ms. Schumer about what real men want in their women, and it literally isn’t funny:
Now listen, I think Amy Schumer can be funny. The thing is, as a man, that enters precisely zero into my sexual attraction for her. Show me the funniest women at the bar, and I’ll show you a lady who’s single. That’s a big reason for so few female comics in the first place. Men tend to develop their sense of humor more because it’s often a requirement to be considered attractive to members of the opposite sex.
The all knowing Steven Crowder has declared that women who are funny are in general unattractive. Can you imagine this guy’s online dating profile?
Bigoted misogynist who used to contribute to Fox News seeking a woman as pretty as Cindy Crawford but too dumb to tell a joke. Must be willing to speak when spoken to and to always be prepared to be pretty for me. Cooking is optional. On Fridays. Night. Friday night.
He’s available, ladies, get him while you can!!!
In order to be funny enough to appeal to the amount of people Amy Schumer does, she has to be incredibly perceptive and extremely intelligent. Her success and a fan base that makes yours look like an itsy bitsy galaxy in a universe full of more interesting things is proof positive that this joke is on you, Crowder.
Featured image by Louder For Crowder