The 5 Christmas Presents Republicans Are Sure To Exchange For Store Credit

If you’re like me you may have come up with a clever gift for that Republican in the family who just refuses to listen to reason. No matter how many times you inform them of facts about the Affordable Care Act, statistics on the economy or logic concerning science, they always revert to “Obama is a commie.”

In the season of giving it’s always best to give gifts with meaning, but these five gifts will most definitely find their way back to store shelves when your Republican relative deems them useless to their closed-minded shell of an existence.

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5.) Solar powered landscape lighting

Solar power is useless. Solyndra cost the taxpayers enough money for each of us to keep our heating oil tanks full for at least ten years. Republicans will return it in lieu of something they can plug into the grid. If there were a way to run them off of straight gasoline they would, even though Obama is destroying the economy with his low fuel prices.

4.) Outdoor thermometers

Republicans don’t need a thermometer to know that it’s cold outside and that global warming is a hoax. They certainly don’t want to be reminded this summer that it also gets warm outside, destroying the theory that climate change isn’t real because of the temperature where you live right now.

3.) Subscriptions to Popular Science

You can tell just by looking at the cover some months that this rag is all about liberal propaganda. There’s pictures of wind turbines, which everyone knows are slowing the natural wind and causing the planet to warm.

Those images of prehistoric people are obviously a fantasy since history has been recorded since day one when God created light 6000 years ago. How can you have a picture of a dinosaur without a Templar Knight riding it to victory in Jerusalem?

Good Lord did you see those pictures of computer chips? The only reason for those is so the gubmint can track your every move. Hopefully the publishing company won’t mind changing this subscription to Guns and Ammo.

2.) A framed picture of a rainbow over Mount Rushmore

This gift is bound to confuse your Republican beyond belief. I mean, it’s Mount Rushmore!  But. . . but. . . rainbows are. . . gay. Gay people and Mount Rushmore? That just doesn’t make sense. Surely there must be a picture of Mount Rushmore with a flock of bald eagles flying over it, or maybe one with an American/Confederate flag background.

1.) Trivial Pursuit

A game that comes with tens of thousands of facts? Nonsense. The first time a question comes up about the U.S. Constitution and they get it wrong, little pie pieces and shreds of cardboard will be flying everywhere. Picture your Uncle Rudy screaming, “Paul Revere wrote the Constitution to save the second amendment from the Redcoats!”

Since the game will be destroyed and non-returnable, you may want to consider having a secondary gift ready to go. It’s too bad nobody sells boxes of logic and reason.

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