Lance Armstrong Is Working On New Title: ‘Douche Of The Century’ – No Performance-Enhancing Drugs Needed

It’s safe to say he won’t be named ‘boyfriend of the year.’

Lance Armstrong is in the headlines again. This time, he was attempting to cheat the system, rather than fellow athletes. His infraction? He allowed long-time girlfriend, Anna Hansen, to take the blame for a hit-and-run. An attempt to avoid national headlines was the excuse provided. That worked out well, didn’t it?

On December 28, the couple left an Aspen Art Museum gala held at the St. Regis Aspen and struck two parked cars on the way home. According to the Aspen Daily News, the homeowner, whose relatives’ rental cars were damaged said:

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A woman, well-dressed, 30ish, blonde . . . came running around the corner in her high heels in six inches of packed snow, which was pretty impressive; she ran directly to us and said, ‘We’re so sorry, we came around the corner and slipped on the ice and we hit your cars . . . I’m Anna, we’re the Armstrongs, my husband’s Lance, he was just driving too fast around the corner or something.

Hansen offered to pay for the damaged vehicles, left contact information, and went on her way without waiting for police, an action that is illegal in Colorado. The homeowner reported the accident to authorities the next day. After a bit of investigating, a valet attendant that stated Armstrong left as the driver, and a full confession of the lie from Hansen, the citations were transferred to the defrocked cyclist.

Hansen told police:

We’ve had our family name smeared over every paper in the world in the last couple of years, and honestly, I’ve got teenagers. I just wanted to protect my family because I thought ‘Gosh, Anna Hansen hit some cars,’ it’s not going to show up in the papers, but ‘Lance Armstrong hit some cars,’ it’s going to be a national story.

This series of events really doesn’t surprise me. Perhaps a few years ago, before we knew that Armstrong was a liar and a cheat – but not now. However, it does provide us with a few points to ponder.

Conservatives like to act like they have a corner in the “personal responsibility” department because “all liberals are socialists” or some other nonsensical reasoning that is as hypocritical and oxymoronic as “compassionate conservatism” – but I digress. Accepting personal responsibility isn’t just a conservative talking point. It’s actually something that is character defining. Yet, I can’t help but wonder if we have evolved into a society that places little value on this trait.

Look, we all make mistakes. No one gets through life without making his or her fair share of poor choices. It’s expected. It’s human. It’s honestly how we become better people. As trite as the statement may be, mistakes are learning opportunities. Except, self-growth only happens with personal accountability of said grievances. More and more, instant gratification and superficial accomplishments trump actual achievement.

I get that Armstrong and Hansen didn’t want to deal with the inconvenience of being in the limelight again. Perhaps they wished to avoid the embarrassment of public scrutiny. Yet, I can’t help but wonder what was so scandalous about losing control in icy conditions and hitting two parked cars? Would that really have been national headline worthy if that was all there was to the story? Likely not.

A court date has been set for March 17.

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